Shattered Dimensions

I woke up to an unexpected turbulence on my flight. I could hear some eargasmic feminine gibberish that seemed to come from above my head. Yup! Indian female flight attendants are really polite, so much so that their stereotyped short written flight regulations that seem to be coming from above our heads give us a hard on long before we get a chance to scan through their voluptuous bodies.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me indescribable pleasure announcing that we have just lost cabin pressure. We are stuck at 30000 feet. And the air pockets, Man! There’z a shitload of them and they are all nasty sons of bitches. Underneath your seat is a black Wikipedia offspring that should just about describe air pockets for you in case you feel like knowing the reason for your death”

To my disdainful surprise, the 5’10’’ hour glass attendant with big shining eyes, hair darker than a black hole, lips redder than raspberries, continued with a smile.

“Poor passengers! You can suck on the rubber choked oxygen masks that hang loose at your disposal. Just wrap the mask around your face, let your bleeding noses slide into the gas muzzle and breathe. But remember, first help yourselves and then watch your loved ones asphyxiate. Trust me, if you want to enjoy this flight, well, probably your last flight, you shouldn't run around hogging for masks or seats. Be calm and let death engulf you to the core. If you have a mask hanging near you, make sure you grab it before your spouse or kid. You don’t want to leave lone survivors now do you?

She said it, and in a jiffy, panic that had almost started to sprout was now exploding through the aircraft.

You see, when you’re on a plane flying a thousand miles an hour, subconsciously, you begin to trust the flight attendant. You stop panicking if she says ‘don’t panic’, even if the flaming noises from the aircraft’s engine scare the bejesus out of you. You calm yourself if she says ‘calm yourself’, even if your nose bursts bleeding and you feel razor blades slicing their way through your sonic stricken ears.

I have never experienced this, but you’d probably jump off the plane without a parachute if she says so.

But what do you do when your plane is going to crash and the cabin crew goes totally nuts?

The flight attendants laugh at your misery. The captain plays ‘Sepultura’ and ‘Children of Bodom’  on the speakers. The stewards start flirting with women who seem to be struggling to hold on to their babies while the aircraft plunges down and loses some more pressure. There’z the same old dreaded lightening outside. The aircraft slices its way down to perdition.

And just when you think this has to be the farthest humans can take their craziness, the slider digital mini television sets lodged in overhead sockets roll down with eloquence. This is what the message reads, “dear passenger, it was lovely having you aboard. We know the plane is going to crash and you have no choice what so ever. But thanks again for choosing ‘pan Indian’ airways. Hope you had a blast and we look forward to serving you again, may be in your next life”

When you’re on a plane and you feel you won’t make it down, you’re probably right. Coz folks! at such altitude and pressure, if something knocks down, there’s pretty much nothing you can do to avert what lies ahead. The pressure, the suction and the shitload of white fuel all smile waiting for the slightest hint of friction to explode the living daylights out of every last passenger on board.

So the point is you can either let go and revel in the entertainment that the flight crew brings up for you, or you can panic till the timer goes and you’re charred to point zero.

Imagine. If there were skilled flight crews specifically trained to prepare passengers for a crash that would kill them all. What if there were an aviation academy imparting skills and degrees on flight management in the few moments between a deadly airline mishap and a crash?

We have these degrees in aviation:

Bachelor in Aviation technology

Master in Aviation technology

Bachelor in aircraft management

Master in air traffic control

Aviation engineer

But imagine if we had these aviation degrees

Bachelor in post crash mid air dancing

Diploma in post explosive mid air seduction

Bachelor in pre explosive one minute lap dances

Master in pre explosive one minute lap dances

Diploma in wing suit base jumping without parachutes

Diploma in post crash mid air live reporting

and the like

You lock a bunch of people in a room and toss in a huge chunk of raw diamond

or

You put the same bunch on a crashing plane

Wonder what kills them first?